The privilege

I have the privilege to eat what I want to eat. To taste what I want to taste. To...try what I want to try. To wake up in the morning with full of smile without worries the whole day. I can pray...and breathe the smell of success. To feel the bliss the world can bring. To think of imaginative things. I can change clothes..buy them easy. Shop til I drop. I can be the King of Luxury...spas, gyms, healthy lifestyle...I can even go where I want to. I've been to high and low places, seeing different horizon of the fields. Touching one life is in my hand. I can swim, dance, sing, play a trick, and I love the privilege to share. You see? I am everything. I have the privileges! I have them! But i'm not perfect..having these taste of the world is not as the greatest taste of the privilege laying down my head on a shoulder, laying down my head to feel and to hear the heartbeat, filling the spaces between my fingers, the thought of security that when I lay down my head & sleep and waking up with white hair, still I will see the shoulder I used to lean on...but if destiny has changed, maybe, the privilege that i had, was not really having the privileges of the world, but, the thought of having these opportunities while when I was with you.

Malandi (flirt)

I used to be showy for what I feel. Is there something wrong? Akala ko kasi masama ang magkimkim. When I was a kid, I don't pay a damn attention to what people will think about me, will say about me. I'm not even afraid what they can do for me. I don't talk much. I don't spread words. I don't even want to tell the world who is me, and what do I believe and how'd I feel. Eh ganon ako. That's why before, I do things based on how I understand it and what makes me feel comfortable. If I learned it was a mistake, it was a mistake.

I'm a slow learner too. I belong to the group of people who are egocentric, self-centered, who doesn't know the world, ignorant, and what else??? Kaya siguro utu-uto ako. I always do for the sake of other's favor. I'm even indecisice. I always depend on others decision. Is this a syndrome? A lifetime sickness. Akala ko kasi, Pagnanilbihan ka sa kapwa, yung tipong makalimutan mo sarili mo, maganda sa paningin ng iba. I was wrong. Sooner, it will be taken against you coz they know your weaknesses and they'll kepp on taking advantage til you give up.

San ba ko pupulutin nito? Ang tanong nga, may pupulot pa ba sakin? I remeber when I learned a world from a goth friend named Lana, "wasted". From there on, I use to say it to myself. "I'm wasted" Pero ano ba talaga ibig sabihin ng "I'm wasted" Sa tagalog patapon o nasayang. Eh ano bang nasayang sakin? kinbukasan? money? dignity? pride? Eh ever since naman wala na ako nun. I don't even posses things like others do. That's why maybe some will call me down to earth. So much down to earth. But I don't know how i did it.

Heart attack are sometimes caused by being "makimkim". True? Sabi nila totoo daw. One time I have experienced that the whole day I did not talk, I did not smile, I have a bad feeling and I didn't release it. I ended up with fever and I got sick. Weird but I think it implies why we usually gain sickness is because we let our mood down.

Totoo nga na laughter is the best medicine.

Now i am a grown adult man (yong looking though. hehe) eh showy talaga. I can't help. Kesa bumalik ako sa pagiging makimkim. Mas nakakatakot un.

I've been with a lot of friends. Lahat sila nakaranas ng pagmamahal, ng alaga, ng kasama sakin. lang hiya! iyong iba sa kanila abosado, walang utang na loob. Pero may mga naiwan pa rin which I can say true friends. Sa sobrang pagkakakilala nila sakin, tinatawag akong malandi. haha. Okay lang..Pero pag ako nawawala hinahanp hanap din naman nila ako.

Weird nga eh. At the start, they will call me their savior, angel, bezbuds, bezfriend.. sweet nila no? As time pass by, and they know me better, I'm not hearing those words anymore. Napalitan ng masasakit na salita. May kasamang panghuhusga. Eh sakin normal lang pero hindi tama. But when I decided to leave and never show, I see them in sorrow. Those flowery words are one in one sounding like a song to my ears. I don't say i'm happy to what's happening pero Sinasabi ko na lang sa sarili ko, that's life. Malandi ako eh. Thanks to them. Ang buhay hindi naman natatapos hangga't may hininga. Iwanan ka nang lahat, it's not true that you can't live alone. You've lived your life serving other people alone so walang pinagkaiba kung iwan ka dahil you used to be alone..showy ka kasi! Kaya ka ginaganyan. Tanung, have you been showy to yourself too?

the J's

Everytime I see my bro's and sis sleeping soundly and nicely, I can't help but to feel like I want to joined them, hug them. (naglalambing) hehe mushy!!!. In real life, we're not like that. We use to be like civil people at home. We use to talk and joke around but not that really close. You can say anything about me like i'm too old to act that way or its awkward, but i hell don't care. Haaayyy, all I can say is though they have their own attitude, I still love them!!!

We are all J's at home. Jordan (eldest), Josephine (2nd), Jayson (the 3rd and cutest, and intelligent..hehe), Jonathan (4th), Jasper (youngest)... haayyy, we developed different characters. The truth, it's very difficult for us to deal in concensus. We have our own beliefs, strategies, opinions, and wants. But 1 thing I am proud of is that whatever happens to us, time still come that we miss each other and we're not separated by anyone and anything. I guess our differences make us bonded as one.

There are times that I envy some of my friends with the way they have relationship with their siblings. Some have good bondings, some don't even need lovers coz their bro or sis is enough, some are like twins, they have commonalities. But I also realized that if we want to have a happy relationship with our bro's and sis' is that we should be responsible to attain that.

Tama nga naman. In the end we choose. At the beginning we decide. That's why maybe anywhere I go, whatever I have, hindi pa rin sila nawawala sakin. There would be times that I hate them the most or they may feel the same way towards me but at the end of the day, hinahanap hanap ko pa rin sila. I won't allow that we'll be separated because of our differences, because of money, because of pride, because of hatred, and because of envy. Love will keep us bonded. aysus...mushy talga!!!

Akin

Again, I felt my importance and I want to feel it every day. So I can say to myself, "how nice that there are still people who can give effort to add color on my existence". I'm not a demanding type. Easy things make me smile. Simple thoughts make me happy.

Keenly, my pride and confidence boosted up that I thought I have lost for centuries. But the Lord said to me, “son, don’t forget to put your feet on the ground. It doesn’t mean that when people around you are stepping on you because they’re too high and that’s all they can do for you, don’t force yourself to go up just to get in line with them. Thus, make yourself down to earth, and you will see, these people will bow to you and will pull you up to their pedestal".

"If not, I will carry you through. I will heal your wounds. I will wash your dirt. I will love you eternally. Look at me. Did I revenge when people even attempted to murder me, treated me like not a human and nailed me to the cross? Love is so powerful that now they call me Lord even when I just want them to treat me like the same as what they are".

"Never did I want to be like them Lord”, I replied. My life has been so miserable, but every time I am down, there’s always someone who’s willing to lift me up. And now that you’re there, it seemed I’m blessed with a second life.

Hills

Happy endings are not always the true story. There are also happy beginnings that will help you make the ending happy even it's not. We call it contentment.

It was quarter to 5 am earlier when I wrap up and went out of the house to go to work. I went to my father's room to give him a kiss goodbye for a while when he caught my attention and he was waiting outside for me. I can't imagine how long was he staying there and I thought he was just waiting for me to get out so he can take a look at me while walking away. I kissed him at his cheek and suddenly he said he will walk with me. At that moment, I don't know what to say because if you'll see his condition, he can't walk properly, can't stand in an upright posture, and can't even talk perfectly. At that moment, I was touched. For the past few days that I had my head drowning in dark clouds and unorganized thoughts, and my face that can't even take one smile....the feeling has vanished. I felt great. So perfect coz its when I needed someone to talk with. Again I was blessed.  "Sometimes the person you most expect to be there for you is not around but amzingly, the least you expect is the one who will make you feel you're not left alone and not taken for granted".

Lightest morning to start with the Valentine's day. We talked. We discussed a bit about health issues. My dad can't tell me straight that he loves me but the way he gave advices regarding my health makes me understand what he wants to say. I became speechless when he suddenly asked me "how old are you?" and then I'm hesitant to tell my age, I was planning to tell a little lie coz at the back of my mind, he might ask a follow up question, "do you already have plans to settle down?" Ha!! I was shaking then, but he's just really concerned about my health. I also thought that since he's already experiencing painful days because of his condition, he might want to have grandchildren from me. Obviously, I can settle but I can't raise a family yet. Kidding aside, he told me that when I reach 30, I should set appointment for check ups so I can monitor and maintain my health.

Looking at my dad, way back on his early adulthood age, he is not the type of person to say those words for me. He smokes...he drinks...not occasionally.. and he smokes...and drinks...then there he goes. Not just a grown man but a better man from his learnings and I appreciate that he doesn't  want me to go through that life he had been.

Someday, I'll be settling down, and whoever i'll be spending my life with will have good stories about my dad and of course about my mom...I'll make sure they'll recognize them as someone to idolize...someone that is difficult to live without with.

That seven seas...it's my first journey and i thought will lead me to hell. There, I saw the Seven deadly sins. At the end of it is Plague that I thought was just an easy course. But I never gave up. Coz on my right hand are my dreams...and on my left is where I held your hand. I can never die, nor miss even one breathe of air. i have to save the reason why my heart is beating quickly.

HM @)>;----

I know you haven't made your mind up yet but I would never do you wrong. I've known it from the moment that we met so no doubt in my mind where you belong. I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue. I'd go crawling down the avenue. There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do, to make you feel my love.

You can blame me for being the dried leaves of your tree, the negative thoughts of your mind, the pain in your heart, the scratch on your skin, the toxins in your blood, and the doubt in your faith...But at least, I walked with you through that seven seas.

empty

out of the blue, i decided to go out to spread my wings, not because i  want to be free but i want to feel that i'm alive. i'm more than a pale sky with nothing but just rain, living in a well painted room but just a hollowman. trying my luck to win million in a sweepstakes where you bank your attention and acceptance. the games of pantomime creates vast illusion that both of us doesn't know how to control and in return, we forgot what we have planned.

 in my dreams, yesterday hasn't begun but how perfectly incongruent that our future is visible  and nothing to do at all. trying to be impeccable but acting like an ignorant. it hurts when we keep on saying "i don't know what" as if we lack learning. and a day, we'll find out things like a forensic science do.

look at this place, i know its still full of your beautiful paintings. but don't you know, i have paintings there too?

the first time i saw this pic, i saw us, staring at the moon thru that window while eating our favorite food...

gone after all

the only time that we can see and feel the person, is that when they're...