plano ko sanang wag na muna magsulat sa blog ko. wala kong gana. pero di ko alam kung dinala ako ng mga paa ko sa computer na to. umupo at magisip ng sasabihin. ito ang araw kung saan, bumuhos muli ang luha ko. bago nangyari yun, nagkausap kami ng nanay. this was the first time na nag-open ako sa kanya tngkol sa mga naiisip at naaramdaman ko. tinanong ko sya, "Ma, hindi ka ba nalulungkot dito?" sagot nya, "ba't ka malulugkot. kung di kapumapasok siguro. kaya nga ko pumapasok." sabi ko naman, "para kasing ang lungkot dito." sagot ni nanay, "sumali ka sa gawain, sasaya ka". may punto si mama sa mga oras na yun. nasabi ko na lang sa kanya, "parang di na kasi ako masaya." hindi ko alam kung naintindihan ako ng nanay ko sa mga oras na iyon. ang sinabi na lang nya, "kulang ka lang sa panalangin. manalangin ka". simpleng sagot pero malalim na kahulugan.

Okay naman ako dito pagkauwi ko. nagkukwentuhan kami ng ate. nagkabonding kaming magkapamilya. pero itong araw na to, mabigat. snagpaalam na ako sa kanilang kailngan ko nang umuwi sa inuuwian ko para makapaglaba. pagpasok ko ng kwarto tinutulugan ko sa amin, bigla akong napaupo sa maliit na lamesa, nag-crack ang pressure, doon ako nagsimulang umiyak at hinayaang lumabas lahat ng luhang matagal nang gustong lumabas. humagulgol pa ako. parang ayaw ko nang bumalik doon...parang ayaw ko na muna umalis dito.

kahapon, naglalaro sa isip ko kung babalik pa ba ko doon o dito na lang ako as bahay. hindi ko masyadong pinansin yun. mas itinuon ko na lang ang oras ko sa pamilya ko. at ngayon, mistulang sirang plakang pabalik balik sa isp ko. ayaw ko na doon. kasi malungkot. pero sabi ko na lang sa sarili ko, kailangan kong bumalik. binuo ko yung mundong iyon at hindi ko pwedeng pabayaan na lang. kahit na naging malungkot na doon, na datin punung puno nang saya. hindi na ako pwedeng bumalik dito...hindi sa dahil ayaw ko, pero dahil kailangan kong panindigan ang desisyong ginawa ko noon. mananatili akong malakas at buhay para sa sarili ko.

pagod na ako. pero alam ko isang araw, makakabangon ako sa lungkot na pinagdadaanan ko ngayon. makakalimot ako sa higpit ng pagkakataon. uuwi na ako. sa tahanang pinangarap ko. uuwi akong may baon, baon ng pagasa dahil sa nakikita ko, unti unting umaayos ang pagsasalita ng tatay ko. Lord, salamat sa araw araw na blessings na ibinigay at ibinibigay mo sa amin.  tulad ng ipinapanalangain ko sayo, lahat isusuko ko sa inyo.

what you can read is just the horizon your naked eye can see. alpha & omega does exist. but it doesn't stop there. what you don't know, is after that line, there's an endless sea. Look, it's eternity

the moment i saw my dad

Dad, Here I am!!!

i was at he office when i received a message from a friend...she's a waitress and a nice employee. "son, tawag ka importante..." i wasn't able to do so coz phone is not allowed inside the prod area. when I got off of the office, I forgot to reply to the message nor make a call. I decided to go to a mall and watch a movie with a girl friend which I can say, a nice friend of mine. I just known her when I got accepted from a job I didn't expect to come. Anyway, I arrived first in the mall cz she needs to see her kids and fix her stuff when i remember to check my phone and reminded me to give a call from another friend. When i reached her, I was shocked and don't know what to say. It was about my father...he got stroked the third time. It happened after he came home from visiting my uncle's doctor. To tell you honestly, the moment I took the jeepney towards the mall, my father suddenly came into my mind. "There must be something wrong" But I didn't mind..i didn't want to think negative at all. At the moment that I've learned about my father's condition, I didn't know what to feel then. It's frustrating cz the thing is, I've learned it from someone who's not even related to me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to see him the way I think about his condition. My friend was still not around at that time. I decided to cancel our plan but still waited for her. I felt like the seconds that are running is the time that I'm wasting. I maintained my composure...made my self calmed. When my friend arrived, I told her straight. She understood. I appreciate her. I'm starving at that time. She took me to a certain noodle stall and we ate a bit. I'm trying to change the topic so it won't sink on me. I'm trying to be happy even if its hard. Finally, we finished the sip...we said goodbye nicely and I walked home. Here it goes...I went straight to his room. I saw him sitting in his bed...his head lying down to his knees and he looks like he's tired of his life. That moment, it changed my mood. I started hugging him, kissing him on his cheeks, I missed him..I missed him...the feeling that i've never felt in my life missing him. My tears started to come out..The moment I saw my dad...It was like crashing my heart but I stayed calm. I need to be strong in front of him. I started chatting with him to break the silence between us. When I heard him uttered a word, it made me feel more painful...mournful. cz its now hard for him to speak and difficult to understand. he doesn't want to talk much because I think he's frustrated in his condition. He stood up and went out. I left myself in the room. The tv was on and the story goes about couple who broke up. I started crying. my tears inescapably pouring down as if it's like my first time to cry again..but its not about the movie. The last time I cried, I promised to myself no to shed tears anymore. I used to cry for people who made me feel stupid and left me because they can't love me until the end. But this one, about my father...I freely cried. it's not a waste of tears.. but its more on saying, "if i could shout in fromt of you how much I love you.. I left you for so many times but still you never turned your back on me and still there whenever I need love" of all the people who came in to my life, he's the only guy who loved me unconditionally, who didn't underestimate my capabilities, his the only guy, who didn't see me in my face how worst I am and all of my mistakes, thus, he saw me how beautiful I am as a person and no one can do that except him. Knowing that he's my father and his a guy, he didn't throw much of what he should expect about me but he let me live the way I should be and accepted every inch of my imperfection. How did I know? He didn't commanded me things according to his standards and his will, he never made me feel that I need to change myself so he can accept me an dbe happy whenever I'm around. In fact he's contented for small things I've given him and that's the greatest love I received from him..I am proud of his love. And that's why I realized I should be proud of myself then..and never ever lose myself even some are trying to lose me.

I love you dad. wherever I go, no one can replace you in my heart. Thanks for bringing me to life. Now is my time to take care of you.

i'm praying we will work it out

Here we go again,
Hurting each other for no reason
Wondering why we keep repeating
the same mistakes.
Seems the more we give,
The more we're disillusioned
Baby, what is it we're doin?
Are we so scared of give and take?
Ohh...

Why do we always hurt the ones we love?
(Why?)
Just when it seems we've fin'lly made a breakthrough
Why can't we fly between the eagle and the dove?
Why do we always hurt the ones we love?

Sometimes it seems
like the silence is between us
Get deeper than the meanest words,
Feel colder than the night
Everytime I feel as though
I'd finally gonna leave
It seems as though I just
cant praise a girl
Without you in my life woh...

And when you cry, I feel as though the tears are falling
from my eyes
Why do we do this to each other?
There so much we should be proud of
So many dreams that we have shared
I'd hate to think that we're arriving
Without you standing here.

Tell me why... do we hurt the ones we love? (Why?)
When we've fin'lly made a breakthrough
why can't we fly between the eagle and the dove?
Why do we always hurt the ones we love...ohh...

I just can't...I really love you

Can't say I don't love her
Still I can't pretend
That my heart is torn just knowing that I'm losing my bestfriend
If it's easier said and done
Then someone tell me why
Though I try,
I can't find the words to say goodbye

I could tell her that I'm sorry
Hope she'll understand
She will have to do with someone else
All that we have planned
I'd rather her hear the truth
Than hurt her with a lie
So I tried,
But I can't find the words to say goodbye

Now I know
I have to go
There's no other way
But goodbye is not what I can bring myself to say...

If I told her "see you later"
Then I might be wrong
'cause this voice inside is driving me
To find where I belong
I know I must leave her now but everytime I try,
Don't know why,
but I can't find the words to say goodbye...
Don't know why,
I can't find the words to say goodbye....

I can't find the words to say....i have a lot of thoughts since the past weeks but I don't know what or how to say it. I don't even know how to face it. I can't get rid of these thoughts that goes intertwine with my feelings. I wanna burst'em out but I can't find the right words to say. I just can't find the right words to say

Sulat ni Itay kay Inay

Mahal, alam ko nahihirapan ka sa sitwasyon natin. maging ako man. Pero hindi mo ba nakikita sa akin na nagsisikap akong maging masaya ang pagsasama natin kahit mas madalas tayong magtalo? Ano ba pwede o dapat kong gawin hindi mabalewala ang nasimulan nating samahan? Tulungan mo naman ayusin ang lahat. Ayokong mawalay at mawala ka sa kin. Ikaw ang inaasahan kong kakalinga sa kin pag pareho nang maputi buhok natin. Hindi ako nagsisisi na ikaw ang pinili ko. Ikaw may pagsisisi ka ba na minahal mo ako? Natatakot ako! Natatakot akong baka isang araw paggising ko, wala ka na sa tabi ko at hindi na kita mahanap pa. Alam mo sa twing naaalala kita, pinapatugtog ko paborito nating kanta. Naalala mo pa nung naguumpisa pa lang tayo? Saksi ang musikang iyon sa pagmamahalan natin at kung paano natin ipinaglaban ang isa't isa? Sana hindi ka magbago.

mistletoe

According to a custom of Christmas cheer, any two people who meet under a hanging of mistletoe are obliged to kiss. Is that so? The thing is, we just found it scattered in the grass so no kissing obligation, and we can't, we're on public. Finally, I know what a mistletoe looks like. Everytime i hear the word "mistletoe", it's a question mark in my mind but I don't mind at all. hahaha. It looks weird but it's cool. I kept it and brought it home as a remembrance when I went to Baguio to spend Christmas. Now, everytime i see it, I remeber everything. It was nice and unforgettable. It was my first time to spend Christmas there. It was pretty cold way back then. I don't even have thought to take a bath. The air is so fresh and I love the view, seeing foggy sky, colorful flowers at the Botanical Gardens, mouth-watering delicacies from never-been-visited restaurants (and I want to go back there), cool people and i've seen a lot of foreigners there. Ahhhh...I love Baguio. I'm planning to stay there if given me the chance and if I can, until my hair turns white. Anyway...that's what it started. If I'll be asked, I'm happy going back there over and over again.  Who will disagree, it's an ideal palce to stay especially now days. I also found a lot of opportunities there. Instead of going outside the country, why not try my luck there. I can live there that's for sure. Anywhere else, I can see the growth I'm looking for myself if I'll act on it. Right? If you have time, you may try to visit the place. there's no need to bring a lot of money because the cost of living is affordable and that's what i like about Baguio. Soon if I decided to stay there, I'm looking forward to live with someone close to me. Someone I love, and someone I won't exhcange to anything in this world even when I found a better one... I'll stay with you as long as you will.

ang nagdaan

I guess this is it...when i tried to look back how far I've gone through...maxadong malayo. Sino na nga ba ako ngayon? Ano na ba ako sa paningin ng iba? Ilan at sinu-sino ba mga taong natutuwa at na-a-apreciate ang tulad ko? Noong bata pa ako, andami kong pinaniniwalaan. Mga pamahiin, mga sariling obserbasyon, mga maling natutunan. Iyun kaya humubog sa kin ngayon? Siguro parte iyon. Dumadating sa oras na natatakot akong kumilos... yung kulang na lang huwag na ako huminga. Nakakatakot kasi sa labas. You can't expect most of the people to accept you or to care about you. Okay na nga sana kahit hindi ka nila matanggap. What hurts the most, is mapapahiya ka pa. Yun tipong parang hindi ka tao sa kanila.

 I often compare myself to others. Ang dami ko kasing tanong sa sarili ko. Bakit sya ganyan, ako hindi? Buti pa sya may ganon, ako wala. Ba’t sya ang swerte nya, ako malas? Kaya siguro minsan hindi nila ako kayang ipagtanggol. Hindi ko maramdamang, proud sila sa akin. Ramdam ko ikinakahiya ako. Ni wala ngang tumagal na relasyon sa akin. I felt like i’m so ugly inside and out. I know this is wrong, but this is just what I feel. That's the way they made me feel.

Sobrang daming tao sa mundo at ilan sa kanila, dumaan sa buhay ko. Di ko nga akalain, lagpas sa daliri ko sa kanila ang plastic. Ang iba, manggagamit and it’s their character. Meron nga akong naging isang kaibigan, minahal ko sya ng sobra, pero anong ginawa sa akin, ginagago ako pag nakatalikod, Kung anu ano sinasabi. Mabuti na lang, hindi ako tinuruan ng mga magulang kong maging ganun. Nakakahiya sya. Sana matutunan nyang maging patas. Ayaw kong ikapahamak nya ng sarili nyang kaugalian.

Minsan hindi ko alam kung sino pwedeng takbuhan. Sa mga naging karelasyon ko..? sus,,.. magulo. Masakit..nakakapagod..nakakasawa. Lahat yata ng nakarelasyon ko naging paranoid ako sa kanila cz I used to be the submissive one. Mali ba iyon? cz I give everything pero ba't ganun? in the end I’m still alone. Naalala ko tuloy yung isang kanta na ang sabi, “BAKIT KUNG SINO PA, ANG SYANG MARUNONG MAGMAHAL, AY SIYANG MADALAS MAIWAN NANG DI ALAM ANG DAHILAN”. Totoo yung lyrics, sagad sa buto katotohanan. There’s another one, eto totoo rin at nangyari na rin sa akin, “MASAKIT TANGGAPIN, ANG KATOTOHANAN, KUNG WALA KANG PERA, WALA KA RING KAIBIGAN” and I’m sure that I am not the only one who encountered this. Bad trip nga eh, coz there were also times that when you needed someone the most, no one is there. At sila andyan kapag kailangan ka. How sweet?!

About sa family, I don’t have much to say. Mas madalas na hindi ko sila nakakasama. Pero the more na hindi ko sila nakakasama, the more that I’m realizing all my shortcomings to them. Tama sina ate at mama, na mabuti pa ibang tao, inaalala ko, buti pa barkada, lagi kong kasama. It hurts but it’s true. And the real thing that hurts me, eh sa dahil sobra akong magmahal sa kaibigan, or karelasyon, nakakalimutan ko sarili ko and my family And then suddenly, mawawala na lang iyong binuo naming samahan na napalitan ng galit, at puro kasiraan. Tapos may darating nab ago, it’s the same. Kaya nakakapagod at nakakasawa.

About myself, bukod sa nakalimutan ko sarili ko, naging matakaw ako. Kain ako dito kain doon. Naging sobrang magastos ako sa buhay. Both needs and wants na binibili ko. Tuloy minsan wala akong maiabot sa family ko. Kasalanan din pala ang maging sobrang magastos especially when you just waste your money for nothing.

Kung babalikan ko and dati, pupunta ako doon sa panahong bata pa ako.. Iyong walang kamuwang muwang. Doon kasi, walang takot. Buo pa pagkatao ko. At doon itutuwid ko ang lahat. Kung pwede ko lang iwasan iyong mga bagay at tao na nakapagpasakit ng loob ko, mga pangyayaring dahilan ng paglubog ko, iiwasan ko, o kaya babaguhin ko. Unfortunately, I can’t and all I can do is to straighten up my present. Eh pano? Ewan ko. Ramdamin ko na lang siguro kung ano ang tama. Magkikipit balikat na lang ako at tatahimik kapag may nakitang bagay na magpapasama ng loob ko. Minsan kahit masakit, kailangan kong harapin at tanggapin. Wala naming ibang tutuwid sa akin kundi sarili ko lang din. Take it from me, the only person you can trust the most is yourself. Not your family, not even the person you consider your life. I mean of course, you can trust them but not exactly that way you should trust yourself.

It’s been 4:25 am here. I’m right inside my room. I’m so sleepy but I want to finish this missive. To tell you honestly, right now, may bumabalot sa aking konting kalungkutan at takot. I’m managing it since its new year pero mahirap. Ang dami ko pa ring mga tanong na gusto kong malaman at linawin pero iniiwas ko na lang kesa lumala.

For 2 yrs, nakapagtrabaho rin ako. Call center at restaurant. Akala ko, magiging okay ang direksyon ko kapag ginawa ko ang alam ko tama. Hindi pa ako graduate, nagtatrabaho na ako. Call center pa. I expected that I can bring home money for my family anad not all that, as well as fortune, pero laking pagtataka ko parang walang pinagbago tahanan namin since the past 2 years. Nakakapag abot din naman ako sa kanila pero bakit ganun it seems I”m not contented from what I’m doing. Dumarating ang oras na nagsasawa na akong pumasok... minsan pati ang mabuhay pinagsasawaan ko na. Lalo na kapag walang nagiinspire sa akin.

Ang dami kong kalokohan sa buhay. Iniisip ko, lahat naman ng tao mayroong kalokohan... Pero narealize ko ang pagiging immature ko. Kailan lang ako nagising sa katotohanan na kailangan ko matutong lumaban para sa sarili ko. I should keep to myself that no one could ever hurt me, throw me and disrespect me. I should now build dignity and reputation for myself. Cz if I won’t start, no one will. Eh di ba nga, kahit pa yung pinakamamahal mo nagagawa kang iwan o lokohin. So, sino asahan mong magaangat sayo? Wala. I’ve realized that I should not always be submissive for all. Iyong tipong sobrang bait na hindi marunong magsabi ng “HINDI” o Tumanggi kapag ayaw ko. What else? Hindi ko naman pala kailangang ibigay lahat nang kung anong meron ako hindi porket mabait ang tao. I’ve learned na hindi porket gusto ko, kailangan mangyari. Yeah I know, I have to fight for what I want but at least, I also need to weigh things so it won’t screw me up. Dahil kadalasan, ginugusto natin ang isang bagay dahil gusto nating makapagpasaya ng kapwa, pero di mo alam isang araw, Iyon din ang ipantitira sayo.

Pakiramdam ko ngayon parang walang progress sa sarili ko. Kaya siguro, may mga taong mababa ang tingin sa akin. Yung tipong hindi nila maapreciate iyong mga kayang kong gawin. Nakafocus sila doon sa mga pangit sa akin. Masakit pa, marami silang mga judges. Akala mo nagaral ng Law, o Husgado ang propesyon. Hahatulan ka ng pagkabilanggo o kamatayan. Pagkabilanggo kasi, Ikukulong ka nila sa isang silid na puno ng galit, inggit, paninirang puri, at unfair treatment. Kamatayan naman, kapag pinapatay ka nang dahan-dahan. Yung pinagkakatiwalaan mo ng buo, pero pag nakatalikod ka sinisiraan ka o may sinasabing hindi mganda sayo.

Tsk tsk tao talaga. Magulo ang mundo ko sa labas. Kaya kapag nauuwi ako dito sa bahay naiisip ko, itong pamily ko, hindi ako pinapahiya o dina-down. Kahit saan man ako magpunta, wala nang hihigit pa sa tahanan ng pamilya ko. Dito, masasabi kong, hindi nila ako kayang iwan anuman ang mangyari. Hinding hindi nila ako ipagpapalit.

Sa dami na nangyari sa akin sa loob ng ilang taon, I have mentioned story just a few. All I can say is that, these are the things I’ve encountered from the past up until 2009. And today, the 2010 has entered, this is not a goodbye but a “see you again” in memories. I believe this is another chapter of my life that I need to fill in with good memories. Lord, give me more strength. Palagi ko naman sayong sinasabi, na isusuko ko lahat sayo. I know you’re always there for me and Thank you very much for that. I love you. Thank you for the gifts and blessing that every day you are pouring to us. My father had his life again. Help me to help him to stand up facing his life crisis. For my friends and family, thank you for giving them to me. I pray for good health and gain more true friends. And for the one I love, I really don’t know what to say but A big thank you. I should be brave enough on whatever might happen between us. As early as the first month, we’re already experiencing crisis. Lord, sinusuko ko po lahat sa inyo.

This is me. If you noticed, magulo. Kahit nga construction ng thoughts ko magulo from the way I write this thing. And this, I want to change. See you again 2009 and below. Hello 2010. I need a new life. I'll be there.